I’m not a big fan of the ’10 Things To Do In Sept/Oct/Nov/Whatever’ posts you see in niche publications. They’re well-meaning, of course, but usually patronising.
And the last third (desperately dredged up to hit the arbitrary 10, or 12, or 20 total) are always bollocks.
So here’s what I like to think of as the more realistic 10 Things to Do on the Allotment in September. Feel free to chip in with some of your own…
1. Get stung by a wasp while dead-heading flowers. Highly stimulating, and easily achieved with a moment’s inattention
2. Get stung by nettles… while weeding nettles. The predictability of this one only adds to the sense of achievement
3. Eat shit. The trick here is to get distracted thinking about your tax return, or some such, while spreading manure. Then when you wipe your sweaty face with the back of your shitty glove and lick your lips… bingo
4. Anally incorporate a bamboo cane. The best way to do this, I find, is to use foot-long pieces of bamboo to mark rows of vegetables. When you’re squatting to do the weeding, intense concentration on the task at hand should induce the inadvertent shuffle necessary to achieve a perfect fit
5. Provoke a furious row with your allotment neighbour by pruning the branches of his apple tree that overhang your plot
6. Feel peckish and eat the rotting, misshapen carrot you chucked on the compost heap three weeks ago. You’ll figure that you’ve eaten so much shit already (see above) that a bit more can’t hurt
7. Destroy your shed. Sounds challenging, this, but it needn’t be. When the door won’t shut properly at the end of a hard day, a determined slam should be enough to wrench it off its hinges. Then – and here’s the key thing – be sure to lose your temper and follow up with a series of kicks and/or punches. You’re aiming for a hole in the wall or roof that renders the whole structure unviable
8. Get 3rd degree burns. Again, easier than it sounds. Take a few bottles of cider to the plot on a sunny day and fall asleep/pass out. The secret here is to consciously eschew suncream, knowing you don’t need it in September.
9. [Subs to add another thing]
10. [Subs to add another thing]
Outrageous. Never seen anything quite like this dahlia. It was so huge it could barely hold its head up.
Most of them had labels to tell you the cultivar, but inevitably all the ones I liked best had lost their tag. That said, I’ve got a dahlia shopping list as long as my arm for next Spring.
