The ground is frozen hard as iron today, so digging impossible (thank God).
Thus had a wander around Hampton Court Palace. In summer, it’s black with tourists and makes you wish you’d brought a machine gun. In winter, delightful. Hardly a soul about.
We molested swans, poked ducks with sticks dipped in dog turd and generally availed ourselves of the usual amusements of a sunny day out in midwinter.
On the way out, there was the additional pleasure of watching brain-dead, overweight holidaymakers falling on their arses on the . It looks nice in the publicity pix, but don’t be fooled: more than 10 minutes wearing the rented skates and you need your feet amputating. Plus they pack you on the (slushy) ice as tight as penguins in Antarctica.
But hey, it’s a nice day out if you like breathing other folks’ BO and repeatedly falling in a cold puddle.
Posted on 20th December 2009
Under: Winter | 6 Comments »
This morning I’m starting to look forward to my Christmas holiday. Which is like looking forward to sex with a dwarf. It’s probably better than no sex… but depressing and awfully short.
Actually, I’ve decided that anticipating holidays is the most enjoyable part. The holiday itself is over in seconds, and you spend at least the first five days of it waking at 6am as if it’s a work day (I do, anyway; my body clock is as inflexible and rigidly programmed as a North Korean public holiday).
The Christmas holiday has a special angst, of course. There’s the expense of gift giving… and receiving (“Gosh. A musical sock drawer tidy. Just what I always wanted”).
This year, though, is special. In fact, it’s a triumph. By dint of quiet diplomacy over 12 months, I have delicately concluded a no-gift pact with everyone I know – even family.
The momentous outcome is simply this: For the first time in 42 years, I will be buying no Christmas gifts whatsoever. Yep, you read right. That means no shopping, no queueing, no shit.
So think on that while you’re trying to decipher the inarticulate grunting of a spotty 18-year-old cashier clerk in John Lewis, or hovering over a skid-marked public toilet seat after getting caught short in Tesco.
In horrible contrast to all your suffering, I shall be ensconced at home watching porn (perhaps Christmas-themed – “Jiggle Belles” etc) and stuffing my face with Leonidas’ best.
Cheers.
PS All comedy Christmas porn movie titles gratefully received
Posted on 15th December 2009
Under: Rants, Uncategorized, Winter | 9 Comments »
Getting there. I’m still weeks behind, but hey. Nobody’s perfect.
Given a few dry weekends, I should be able to sort the digging and manuring by the end of January. The biggest challenge now is finding room for another compost heap. My bin’s stuffed.
Anyone out there able to put their hand on their heart and say they’re fully ready for next season?
Posted on 10th December 2009
Under: Winter | 5 Comments »
To adopt an expression more familiar to my US readers: The weather sucks a big one.
Jeez, but it’s rained here. I don’t live in Flood Central, thank God, but I’m living like a rat in a hole. Can’t go out without getting soaked, whatever the day, whatever the hour.
The most irritating consequence is that my vegetable plot has had zero attention for almost three weeks; the only times I’ve not been working, it’s been pissing. Extra hard.
So many apologies for the absence, on this gardening blog, of any gardening.
Posted on 3rd December 2009
Under: Rants, Winter | 7 Comments »
… and so my thoughts turn to Christmas.
I wish they wouldn’t. I loathe Christmas. It’s an ordeal that I rank up there with unblocking the lavatory, protracted root canal work and proctological examination (which last I have yet to endure, but visualising the procedure’s psychological effect demands minimal imaginative chutzpah).
There is one small glint of moonlight in the morgue, however: by some horticultural miracle, last year’s potted tree is still with us – just.
Granted, it’s lost half its foliage. But at least I can save £15 by re-using the bugger. Assuming I stand it against a wall.
It’s got me thinking about other things I could re-use. Hey, why not? If you’re hating it anyway, why not claw back a few quid on the deal?
I’m figuring a bit of glue and concentration could probably resurrect the Xmas crackers, if you remember to save the pieces. And the Christmas cake’s a dead cert. Nobody eats the fucking thing anyway, so they’ll never notice if I wheel out the same cake 10 years in a row.
I’m inspired by the . The eunuchs knew she only touched the same 10 favourites every day, so the rest were served up, untouched, week after week… until they were rotting under the porcelain tops.
That’s my kind of hospitality.
Posted on 23rd November 2009
Under: Rants, Uncategorized, Winter | 10 Comments »
I was digging like a Terminator on Sunday. Managed to get most of this year’s sweetcorn on the compost and even spread a bit more horse shit.
Grim job, though. Back hurts, arse hurts, arms hurt, legs hurt. Had blisters the size of Flying Saucers (remember them?!) when I’d finished.
More of the same come the weekend. It’s so important to have something nice to look forward to, don’t you find?
Posted on 17th November 2009
Under: Sweetcorn, Winter | 2 Comments »
Another splendid example of His sense of humour: Took today off work to do some digging on the allotment, and was greeted with this.
It’s not just raining. It’s coming down in streams as thick as pencils. If I stood stark naked in the garden for five minutes wielding a loofah, I’d have a convincing shower (and my neighbour would have a convincing embolism).
So what to do? Well, I could rearrange my seed drawer. Or perhaps study the outside pebble-dash through the conservatory window.
But I won’t. Instead, I’ll flob on the sofa watching daytime TV, then burp and fart my way through an hour or two with YouTube. Then I’ll give up in despair and go back to work.
Jeez Louise.
Posted on 13th November 2009
Under: Winter | 13 Comments »
Doesn’t look much, does it?
Bugger.
As predicted, I didn’t get as much done as I’d hoped. Surprise. Even so this represents three hard hours of work; had to pull out mountains of weeds before I could dig it over and spread manure.
Only another 10 or so days like that, and I’ll be done.
Marvellous. Can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to it.
Posted on 7th November 2009
Under: Winter | 12 Comments »
I love the smell of manure in the morning.
But, er, I may pass on this – chicken shit that’s liquefied after storage in a plastic bag for a year. Lovely.
Pongs a bit, no question. But it’s fantastic for getting your compost going. Once this has seeped in and done its bit, the heap will warm up and start working again after a long, cold winter.
Posted on 3rd March 2009
Under: Spring, Winter | 8 Comments »
On Sunday I was up bright and early to do a few hours of manuring and digging. The potato bed is now ready. And only just in time.
If this warm spell continues, I’ll plant the spuds next weekend; put them in nice and deep, and frosts don’t hurt them. In the past, it’s allowed me to harvest the first new potatoes in mid May.
Posted on 23rd February 2009
Under: Winter | 7 Comments »